This is just therapy

All I want to do is write.

And pray. And write some more.

Then sleep until I needed to wake up. I am so incredibly shattered right now, both mentally and physically. Yet I doubt even when I do make it to bed I'll be able to sleep. There's just too much going on and I can't even figure it out in my head yet alone type it up on the page.

It's times like this when I realize I have a different use for writing. Some would call it escapism, I prefer the term therapy. It's not that ignoring things will make a difference. It's just sometimes all I feel like doing is retreating from the world with a pen and paper, and maybe my guitar, and just writing the feelings out of my soul. Because it seems that's the only way to get them out. Notes, lines, ink stains, keys under my fingers. This is where I feel at home, this is where I find my voice. This is where words which my mouth can't form come out. Here is where songs I can't sing can be sung. Often the moments I am most honest are when I write. Because although paper can lie there's something so freeing about telling the truth when you don't have to.

I could be posting about anything at the moment. So much stuff has happened in the past week and a half which I'm still working around. I could talk about Uni. About finally finishing that song. I could talk about my band's upcoming gig. I could (and most probably will) talk about the loss my family had on Sunday. Or about how I don't often say it much but that they mean so much to me. I could talk about how I miss my lifegroup. I could talk theology and my struggle to find God's plan in the everyday. Or how even though I know he's holding me up I still want more, waiting for some magic bullet which will somehow fix everything.

Yet with all that stuff all I can find the strength to get through is how much I needed to write this. Write down that I'm broken but I'm not letting go. Write down this:
Falling is a movement, so is writing. Yet more so than both of these is life. Life is a movement. Whether it's upwards or downwards or all over the place is up to you. You can be moving alone, or like me, traveling with Someone. However you do it, you must be moving. Life is like music, it's all in the motions or the lack thereof. 

Life:
The
Falling
Movement. 

So lets keep moving.

Blessings,

Jordan

In hibernation

That's pretty much been my life for the past two weeks, as I've been fighting to control a crazy facial infection that hasn't made life particularly awesome. Besides going on a brief job hunt, getting through a few books (mostly about music!), running a lot (up to 3 times a week yeeeeeah), jamming some gat. (loving the Black Keys, Led Zepplin, Bullet For My Valentine and John Mayer at the moment) and struggling to find inspiration while recording, I haven't been up to a lot really. Went ice skating on the weekend before a quick band practice where we finally managed to sort out a few things, which was heaps of fun. Although I almost lost a finger - falling over onto your hands in front of someone iceskating is not really ideal guys! Luckily they managed to stop, otherwise I could have had some problems fretting a few chords haha. 

So finally over mostly being stuck inside for days on end, I decided (after a fair bit of persuasion from some people!) that it was time to sort it out and head to the doctors. It was weird signing up for all that stuff, seeing as I've managed to avoid anything vaguely medical for so long. But oh well. Glad I got it sorted, cos it's been taking it out of me quite a bit. Been on a bit of a health crusade lately, eating heaps of nutritious food (lentils are actually the most filling food ever), running, and trying to get a bit more sleep than usual (with varied results - it's hard to change my late night habits haha). Me getting healthy - who would have thought?! 

On the plus side, I got my exam results back! Turns out the study was well worth it, and they were all pretty decent. B's for all three of my papers, and (somehow!) an A- for MIS, which was this awful, awful subject that I seriously thought I was going to fail for a bit. Once again, who would've thought? Crazy how things like that turn out. 

Despite being a poor student, I figured this was worthy of celebration so went out with my friend Jono today to go grab some tea. Yeah, indulging in my current obsession haha - but its so healthy and delicious arggghhhh I love it. I didn't even know Palmy even had a tea shop, but like always, the city's full of surprises. So I hooked myself up with a mango brew and chilli and chocolate tea. Yeah, you did read that right! It's a pretty buzzy flavour I must admit, but thought it was a good idea to grab some. You've got to try new things every once in a while! 

So after scoring some sweet tea (which I then had to drink Asian-styles, ie leaves straight in the cup, because we had no kettle) we said goodbye to my flatmate (the fourth of the year) who was sadly leaving us for greener pastures. Despite being with now one less flatmate, and even more importantly, fridge-less, I remain optimistic about the future. Good things are coming my way this term! And I know there's going to be more hard times in store but like I tell my friends, I know God's got my back 100%. This has been a pretty messed up year so far, but every step of the way he's been right behind me and provided for me in so many incredible ways. Yeah there's still some nights where I doubt my future, and my dreams. But I'm learning more and more every day to trust fully in God's ability to use me for his purpose wherever I am. And I do think that's the most important thing of all.

So I hibernate, but I'm not finished yet. Some could say I'm only just getting started....

Blessings,

Jordan