Burning Out, Burning Up

Yesterday my class went to see a documentary on the New Zealand band Shihad, entitled "Beautiful Machine". I was actually pretty pumping for it, cos it looked really decent and Shihad are a band I've sort been half interested in (worthy of a few listens, but not of actually following) ever since a friend showed me the phenomenal rock anthem "Run" a few years back. Unlike some movies, it managed to live up to expectations, and was totally enjoyable, and I'd thoroughly recommend it to anyone interested in New Zealand music. We had to then write a review of the film, and here's mine just to give you a quick summary of the main events:

“Shihad – Beautiful Machine” is a film documenting the history of New Zealand band Shihad. It chronicles the bands timeline from their origins as a Wellington-based speed metal band to the present day where they headline huge arena concerts all around the world.

The storyline was told in a documentary style, and a lot of its content relied on interviews with the band, relatives of the members, and managers/record label owners who were associated with Shihad. Intercut between these were videos, both new and old, of the band playing some of their material either live or in the studio.

I found this film to be very interesting and informative as it revealed to me a great deal of the rich history of this iconic Kiwi band.  For example I wasn’t aware that they had started out playing metal, or that they had changed their name from Shihad to Pacifier to avoid negative connotations with terrorist groups (in that being the name “Shihad” sounds similar to “Jihad”).

Overall, this was a very interesting, well filmed, and at times quite personal documentary. I left the theatre not only having gained a deeper knowledge of this band and their music, but also having a greater appreciation for the amount of work these four guys have put in to furthering both their music and New Zealand music abroad. 

However, one part of the movie I forgot to mention was probably one of the rawest parts of their story. Their lead singer, John Toogood is working hard out trying to break the band into America, and freaking out at his performances, and missing his girlfriend back in New Zealand. Eventually he worked himself to the bone and has a complete breakdown. He actually had to stop playing music for a few months cause he "...hated it. Everything about it reminded [him] of the industry and how hard it was to make it, and what a flawed system it was." 

Needless to say, this struck me pretty hard. The very idea of having to exist without music is painful, but the idea of actually hating it, and not being able to play it at all is almost unbearable. It is a terrifying thought. 

Yet at the same time, it's starting to sound a bit closer to home than I had originally thought...

I'm not saying that I'm sick of playing music. Far from it. 

It's just I'm acquiring all this knowledge, all these skills, and at the moment, it seems to be getting me nowhere.
And that's what's been getting me down. 

Maybe I push it to hard. Maybe I'm too ambitious in my attempts at success. Maybe I push people away because I'm so focused on this one aspect of life.

It's just one aspect. 

Only one. 

And if I look closely enough, I can sense signs of burnout. Tiredness. Cynical attitudes. Pride. Selfishness. Constant repetition of thoughts related to music. Longing for something that is far beyond my reach. Tunes stuck in my head. Loop after endless loop of programming and generated music. Building on top of something which was never meant to be done alone. 

Music - what am I without it? 

And that's the problem. Am I anything? Do I still have worth? Do I still have a life? Dreams? Plans?

Like I've told many people, you don't want to hold onto one person, one thing so tightly that you lose your realization of everything else.

And I'm scared I'm becoming that way. 

Maybe it's time, even if it's just for a short while, that I focused on something other than this...

The Second!

This post is entitled "The Second" in reference to the second song I've written this year!
(This is of course, discounting the ones I have to write for my certificate, which I've contributed to two so far. They were pretty cool really but I would have liked them more if there'd been less use of the word "baby" in the lyrics. I dislike that word - it seems to be one the most cliched and misused word in all music!)
Anyway, I'm pretty stoked with this song! 

The story behind it is it came out of a bit of a hard songwriting period for me. We got given "song topics" for the current genre we're studying (Kiwi Music). And although some of the themes were pretty good to write about, like anger or dancing, it didn't seem to be working for me. Every lyric I was churning out was pretty uninspiring, and the tunes were even worse. But I felt like I really had to get something out. Eventually I just got frustrated with it as well as a bunch of other things. I felt disenchanted with the knowledge how small the New Zealand music industry is, how hard it is to succeed, and frustrated with my inability to find another band to join. So I was thinking about inspiration and stuff, and scrawled some lyrics down just before tea, and finished off the rest of the verses and the structure at 1.01 am in the morning.
Classes finished early today, and I wasn't doing anything productive hanging around UCOL, so I walked back to the hostel in the pouring rain after having a few mishaps trying to buy an umbrella. I was pretty bored so I just picked up my acoustic and started jamming round with a few chord bases. I got something which sounded really cool, and was thinking "I need to write down some lyrics for this". But when I reached to grab some paper, this song was just sitting there, and I ended up giving that a try. It was kind of strange to begin with, because when I wrote it, I never imagined it sounding like that. It was totally different, but in a awesome way. And though it feels like a couple of songs mashed together, it somehow works. 

Anyway, enough rambling. Here's the lyrics:

BREATHE 

I pause, when held back from nothing

I pause cause I'm trapped in this motionless bay

I reach to grasp these illusions 

I reach, only to have these dreams swept away

Give me a breath of fresh air

Cause I need some oxygen

All I need is a breath of fresh air

To put the wind in my sails

Then I'll leave this bland cove

And blaze a new trail

It moves faster than a heartbeat

It moves slower than a stationary car

It speaks and it's words sound like silver

It speaks and people feel like they could touch the stars

I'm dying; without it 

Why is it so hard to breathe?

And I won't look back 

No I won't look back

I'm leaving now

And I won't turn back

(c) copyright Jordan Gowan 2012

To me it speaks volumes... 

Art and Sound (Part 2)

This is the second part to my "Art and Sound" series where I showcase a few of my favourite guitar models in greater detail. Unfortunately this is not a review (as much as I would like to play/own these guitars!), all my assumptions have to be judged from pictures, actual reviews and Youtube. But still.... it's worth a read! And while you're at it, check out Part 1 here.

3. Manson Guitars 

I only found out about these guitars less than a year ago, and like most people, it was all due to them being (highly) endorsed by Matt Bellamy, the lead guitarist and singer from the alt-rock band Muse. While watching their 2008 "HAARP: Live at Wembley Stadium" dvd, I was impressed by Matt's guitars almost as much as his amazing playing. Not only were they suitably stylish (especially the sparkly one!) they sounded totally amazing. He must have used at least four and I can see why they've become his signature models. They had a great tone as well as some really impressive and unique features. The first model, the Manson MB-1, is the guitar he uses the most on the dvd. The little white plate underneath the bridge is actually a MIDI scratch pad, which is strummed with a pick to create some really out there synth sounds - something quite different! The second is a Manson Bomber, which Matt Bellamy also uses. This also features a MIDI control system, though it looks a little plain compared to the MB-1. However the guitar itself has a pretty sweet design which kind of makes up for it.

The PRS Starla

Out of all my dream guitars, this one pretty much takes the cake. This is one of the few on the list I've actually had the pleasure of actually seeing. It was in the Rockshop in New Plymoth and it was the first guitar on the rack to catch my eye. In fact, I think I stared at it for at least 5 minutes. I checked the price tag a few times too, but it was way out of my league unfortunately.
It is an absolutely beautiful axe, from neck to bridge. The singlecut design looks totally new, while still retaining the classic familiarity of the Les Paul guitar shape (which any guitarist worth his salt ought to know). The tailpiece, with it's elaborate locking system and silver tremolo bar just add to the effect. This is one guitar where you want to keep that whammy bar on, even if you don't use it, just because it looks so good!!!  In terms of control knobs, it has similarities with the Mira in that it has a coil splitter to turn those beautiful humbuckers into single coils, which gives more variety in tone.
There is only one word to describe this guitar, and I'm pretty sure I've used it already a few times. It is without doubt, stunningly beautiful.

Plus, Jon Foreman from Switchfoot has one! As if I needed any excuse to convince you of it's awesomeness! One day I'm going to own one of these beauties!!!!

Stay tuned for the next post in the series! And keep those comments coming!!!

The Avengers

Saw this tonight and was blown away! It's such a good non-stop action film with epic fight scenes and a great plot! I'm not even going to pretend to be a movie reviewer like Stevee (speaking of which there's a great review of it here: http://filmjunkie25.blogspot.co.nz/2012/04/blockbuster-for-ages.html#more) - all I'm gonna say is go and watch it!!!!!!!

Better

"There's a better life
And it makes me hide"
- Playjerise

"Some days are better than others"
- U2

"I would give anything to make you feel better"
-Brooke Fraser

"Oh but I'm better now
Why do you shake your hand, no
Oh when I'm better, better
When you save my soul"
- The Vespers

"All my days I've been finding ways
Of searching for a better way
Come what may, all my days
Now I'm searching for a better way back home"
-Mumsdollar

It seems to be our goal to be better than we already are...

But today WAS better.

On the way down...

Didn't really have the best of days today.
I woke up late again. This no sleeping (or should I say very little sleeping) thing isn't turning out to good for me at the moment. It would probably be ok if I had a consistent morning schedule, but lately I've been having to get up at either 9, 9.30, 10 or 11 on different days so it's really screwing with my head.
So because I woke up so late I had 15 minutes to get up and get to class. Which is really annoying, because it takes at least twenty minutes to walk there.
This means I had to skip breakfast, which I absolutely hate. You've got to have breakfast! In my opinion, everyday when you don't have breakfast never starts off right! And today was no exception.
Finally made it there after trudging what felt like kilometers with my extremely heavy guitar. Even though it was already fifteen minutes into our "practice time" I was only the second original member there. Needless to say, the other original member (our singer) wasn't particularly pleased about this. Quite understandable of course, but it didn't really help things.
The practice wasn't much better after that. I wasn't feeling top of my game, and it seemed nobody else was either. One of the members who's supposed to be contributing significantly to every song wasn't there, again. I failed at pretty much every single guitar solo I tried to do. We attempted to play a song we learnt yesterday. It doesn't really help having a practice like that and thinking about the gig you're supposed to be playing at two days from now. I'm getting really nervous now. Like insanely nervous!
And I'm so sick of playing the blues!

It's all starting to freak me out. And I don't really help things by avoiding practice and playing soccer and watching tv instead (though it was nice to have a break and do something else apart from music...).
ARRGGGHH!

I think what I'm missing the most is some sort of outlet. I love playing music with my classmates, don't get me wrong. But it's oh-so structured, and regimented. I feel like I need something else, some other group where I can just be myself and come up with all the crazy original stuff which has been stuck inside my head for ages. I mean, the only song I've written outside of course this year has been just basically a scatty ukulele jam with a few words over the top. Ok, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I just feel like I can do so much better. Like I have done so much better... why is it so hard to do it again?
Sometimes things just pile up and you don't feel like you're ever going to get on top of it again. Days like today, I can't help but feel like I'm on the way down again....

(Apologies for the depressing post, I needed to rant. Oh look and now it's late again. Hello again insomnia.)