The Last Post

So I'm not really good with endings....

I've decided to finish up this blog. The Falling Movement will be done for after this post. It was a short-lived endeavor to try blogging again using my old (and very terrible) band's blog to post whatever I felt like at the time. But it had its moments of magic, when the writing was telling my story, or at least something passing for it.

And I'm thankful for that, as blogging's been a part of me growing up. I'd like to say writing's shaped me into the person I am today, but to be honest that's pretty corny and mostly untrue. What writing has done though has given me an avenue to speak my mind, which is an exercise I'd recommend to anyone to try. Whether its music, words or the amazing combination of both, I still feel like I did 5-6 years ago when I started the whole thing: that writing is how I say things I wouldn't otherwise be saying. And if you ever wanted to know the "real me" (however meaningless that phrase is), or at least part of it, you would most likely find a fairly good picture through what I write.

And as usual in all my blog posts, I'm waffling again. Guess not so much has changed there. But after everything that's happened this year I can't just come back to this blog and post about how my day's gone and all that journal-esque filler which is hardly better than my facebook page. So the best way to close this off is just to end this blog, once and for all. No more sporadic posting whenever I get the inclination. I'm done with blogging in this shape and form and on this platform. Its been 5 years of good times, but this is not that year.

To everyone who's followed me, read this blog once or twice, or is just some random on the internet reading this post, thanks so much. I hope you got as much from reading my words as I did from writing them. Seriously, thank you. I didn't do this just for you but I did honestly appreciate your feedback and comments, though they were almost about as sporadic and occasional as my posting at times.

If you want to keep track with what I'm up to musically or just enjoying my writing, please follow me on Soundcloud or check out my new place of sporadic posting Ninety Three Words. The blogging's gonna probably be scarce again, but the content's hopefully going to be better!

Here's to new beginnings. They're more fun than endings, and I suck at goodbyes anyway.

Jordan

New Year

Safety Measures

Two Minutes

For two minutes, I almost caught myself with nothing to do.

It feels like the first time in decades I've kicked back. Well kicked back is a pretty relative term. But it was time enough to play guitar for more than 50 minutes and not almost fall asleep over the fretboard. Time enough to grab some lunch and enjoy the shade and read the news over the internet without having something else to rush off to. Time enough to wind up here.

I'm technically supposed to be on "holiday". Doesn't work so well when you have a car to save up for and some killer rent to pay, so it's back to the old summer job.

Which is actually good in a way. For some reason, I can't stand to be sitting still. I don't know what's driving me on sometimes, but a lot of the time I almost wish it would stop. Forward motion gets pretty tiring - but there's always something to do. Always the next job, project or event, one after the other. Round and round and round.

It feels weird saying this, but for once I almost just want to do nothing.

Not out of sheer laziness. You can be busy as anything and still be the most lazy person in the world (totally me haha). Sounds like a paradox, but it's true. There's a massive, massive difference between relaxing and being lazy, in that the first is needed while the second is just you being useless with your time.


So far I've finished semester. Said goodbye to some friends, and not to others. Started work. Drove golf carts. Did to much biking. Moved house. Got some flatmates. Set up a completely new plant nursery in just over a week. Finished Lifegroup and CY. Recorded half a song for someone else. Got my results back (around about an A- average). Went to Hastings and back again. Saw (most) of the family. Volunteered at an event. Grew (well, growing) a beard. Ran 5+ km back home from work yesterday.

It's been a month and a half of bursting at the seams. Every day, all you have to do is just keep going. It's all you really can do.

I guess it just makes you appreciate the quieter moments just that much more. Gotta have those highs and lows, otherwise both life and music would get boring pretty quickly!

For two minutes, I almost caught myself with nothing to do. But then I decided to write a blog...

Returning, blogging, and commitment

A couple of months later after I was "in hibernation" and now I'm finally crawling back out of my hole and back onto a pastime I have (sadly) neglected for some time - blogging!

If you're one of those few people who have followed this blog for some time, you're probably getting sick of this by now. I disappear for a few months, and then get right back into it, with an appropriately titled post (previous examples A Bit of an Update... and Too Long, My Dear Friends). Then I get busy with other things, forget to make updates (aka forget about blogging all together) and then reappear a couple of months/weeks/days later with the latest set of excuses. Unfortunately I'm all to aware of my bad habit. Even after 5+ years (I started this blog when so young!!!!!) I just don't have this whole blogging thing down pat.

I think my main problem here is commitment.

Despite my best intentions, I always really, really struggle with this. Whether its blogging or getting to know people better or anything really, I tell myself or others I'm committed to it while my actions show a different story. I just don't have the patience, or the time, or the energy, or the will, or the vision, or the.....
The list goes on and on, but really its just full of excuses. Pithy, pathetic excuses I make work in whatever way I can to try and cover up my shortcomings. The reality is this: I suck at finishing what I started. Or even just starting something I've thought about starting. So many of my ideas don't even take off, they crash in the hanger and its all because I can't commit to making them work.

Although this sounds kinda like an elaborate excuse, I think this is in part due to my wandering nature. I've realized now that I'm really into new things and exploring different facets of life, and this is why I find it hard to stay true to one thing (best expression of this - my music taste!). As Jon Foreman, one of my favorite artists ever, writes "I am restless" - and this isn't a bad thing. There is so much out there that people miss by not looking hard enough.

But at the same time though, there is so much merit in sticking with one thing. It proves your worth and reliability but even more importantly than this, it shows your dedication to a cause. It shows your dedication to a vision, to a dream, to a person. And this is something I miss in my life because of my problems with commitment. I miss the benefits you get from being actively part of something for a long, long time.

And now we're back to blogging. I used to wonder why I never got comments on my posts. Am I not insightful enough? Is my writing terrible? Does anyone still read blogs any more? ...and all the other questions which come with such self-doubt. I guess the main problem though is people don't really want to follow something which is so often all over the place.

Fair enough. I'm one of these people. Which is kinda why my faiths in something as unmoving as God. Because when everything else in life shifts around so much, its incredible to have something that doesn't. Jesus was aware of this and as a result he was unmoving and unshaking in his convictions while still caring for others. That in itself is an incredible testament to his worth.

He even had a few words to say about commitment:

"If you wanted to build a building, you would first sit down and decide how much it would cost. You must see if you have enough money to finish the job. If you don't do that, you might begin the work, but you would not be able to finish. And if you could not finish it, then all the people watching would laugh at you. They would say, 'This man began to build, but he was not able to finish.... in the same way, those of you who do not give up everything cannot be my disciples." (Luke 14: 28-30) 

And another one of my favorites:

"All you need to say is simply "Yes" or "No"; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." (Matthew 5:37)

In other words, don't say you're going to do something if you're really not. Don't deceive people with your words, if you say "Yes" then make sure you do it.

I try and follow this, but I fall short so often.

So that's why this time I'm not promising to be making a comeback, to do this blog right and fill the internet with a bit of hope and good writing. Because honestly, I don't know if I can do that. Rather, I know that in a short amount of time my commitment will give out and it'll be some time before I'm back. Its almost inevitable.

BUT....
I will be back (at least once). Because this is something I want to do, even though I do it badly. Writing like this is what keeps me (and hopefully you) coming back. Cos this blogs not dead yet.


You better be ready for some infrequent posting. That's all I can say.


Jordan

This is just therapy

All I want to do is write.

And pray. And write some more.

Then sleep until I needed to wake up. I am so incredibly shattered right now, both mentally and physically. Yet I doubt even when I do make it to bed I'll be able to sleep. There's just too much going on and I can't even figure it out in my head yet alone type it up on the page.

It's times like this when I realize I have a different use for writing. Some would call it escapism, I prefer the term therapy. It's not that ignoring things will make a difference. It's just sometimes all I feel like doing is retreating from the world with a pen and paper, and maybe my guitar, and just writing the feelings out of my soul. Because it seems that's the only way to get them out. Notes, lines, ink stains, keys under my fingers. This is where I feel at home, this is where I find my voice. This is where words which my mouth can't form come out. Here is where songs I can't sing can be sung. Often the moments I am most honest are when I write. Because although paper can lie there's something so freeing about telling the truth when you don't have to.

I could be posting about anything at the moment. So much stuff has happened in the past week and a half which I'm still working around. I could talk about Uni. About finally finishing that song. I could talk about my band's upcoming gig. I could (and most probably will) talk about the loss my family had on Sunday. Or about how I don't often say it much but that they mean so much to me. I could talk about how I miss my lifegroup. I could talk theology and my struggle to find God's plan in the everyday. Or how even though I know he's holding me up I still want more, waiting for some magic bullet which will somehow fix everything.

Yet with all that stuff all I can find the strength to get through is how much I needed to write this. Write down that I'm broken but I'm not letting go. Write down this:
Falling is a movement, so is writing. Yet more so than both of these is life. Life is a movement. Whether it's upwards or downwards or all over the place is up to you. You can be moving alone, or like me, traveling with Someone. However you do it, you must be moving. Life is like music, it's all in the motions or the lack thereof. 

Life:
The
Falling
Movement. 

So lets keep moving.

Blessings,

Jordan

In hibernation

That's pretty much been my life for the past two weeks, as I've been fighting to control a crazy facial infection that hasn't made life particularly awesome. Besides going on a brief job hunt, getting through a few books (mostly about music!), running a lot (up to 3 times a week yeeeeeah), jamming some gat. (loving the Black Keys, Led Zepplin, Bullet For My Valentine and John Mayer at the moment) and struggling to find inspiration while recording, I haven't been up to a lot really. Went ice skating on the weekend before a quick band practice where we finally managed to sort out a few things, which was heaps of fun. Although I almost lost a finger - falling over onto your hands in front of someone iceskating is not really ideal guys! Luckily they managed to stop, otherwise I could have had some problems fretting a few chords haha. 

So finally over mostly being stuck inside for days on end, I decided (after a fair bit of persuasion from some people!) that it was time to sort it out and head to the doctors. It was weird signing up for all that stuff, seeing as I've managed to avoid anything vaguely medical for so long. But oh well. Glad I got it sorted, cos it's been taking it out of me quite a bit. Been on a bit of a health crusade lately, eating heaps of nutritious food (lentils are actually the most filling food ever), running, and trying to get a bit more sleep than usual (with varied results - it's hard to change my late night habits haha). Me getting healthy - who would have thought?! 

On the plus side, I got my exam results back! Turns out the study was well worth it, and they were all pretty decent. B's for all three of my papers, and (somehow!) an A- for MIS, which was this awful, awful subject that I seriously thought I was going to fail for a bit. Once again, who would've thought? Crazy how things like that turn out. 

Despite being a poor student, I figured this was worthy of celebration so went out with my friend Jono today to go grab some tea. Yeah, indulging in my current obsession haha - but its so healthy and delicious arggghhhh I love it. I didn't even know Palmy even had a tea shop, but like always, the city's full of surprises. So I hooked myself up with a mango brew and chilli and chocolate tea. Yeah, you did read that right! It's a pretty buzzy flavour I must admit, but thought it was a good idea to grab some. You've got to try new things every once in a while! 

So after scoring some sweet tea (which I then had to drink Asian-styles, ie leaves straight in the cup, because we had no kettle) we said goodbye to my flatmate (the fourth of the year) who was sadly leaving us for greener pastures. Despite being with now one less flatmate, and even more importantly, fridge-less, I remain optimistic about the future. Good things are coming my way this term! And I know there's going to be more hard times in store but like I tell my friends, I know God's got my back 100%. This has been a pretty messed up year so far, but every step of the way he's been right behind me and provided for me in so many incredible ways. Yeah there's still some nights where I doubt my future, and my dreams. But I'm learning more and more every day to trust fully in God's ability to use me for his purpose wherever I am. And I do think that's the most important thing of all.

So I hibernate, but I'm not finished yet. Some could say I'm only just getting started....

Blessings,

Jordan

Stories and songs; or in my case, both.

After living under a rock for half the year and doing practically nothing musically (studying something completely different hasn't helped!), I feel I'm finally jumping back on the musical bandwagon. I've got plans in the pipeline to make my own Soundcloud after urging from friends and finally stick some music out there. Goodness knows I've got enough of it sitting around on my computer! I think it might be time for the world to hear...
Plus there's two brand-spanking new tracks I've got going at the moment. One's my third song of the year, a yearning number simply entitled Wanting (check out the lyrics here). The other is an instrumental piece that is still a work in progress, called It Only Rains In Winter. Bit of a melodramatic title, but hey. I'm a musician and we love our melodrama!

Oh, and I've come to the conclusion that 2013 has been an interesting year for my songwriting.

In some ways it's like a whole new direction where I write songs which come in surges and really bite at the core of my beliefs. These songs are raw, both emotionally and musically. And it seems I've finally got to a point where I can fully embrace my love of acoustic and ambient music and kinda incorporate them in to my own sound. As for lyrically, the words seem to be dancing around the edges, touching on deep nerves and weaving together stories that just move my soul. Why? Because they're mine. And to a certain extent, they're all true. I think every songwriter gets like that. Even if you are just going straight for the pop hits about love and dancing and all those cliched subject, you still are seeing it from your perspective. It's still got YOU in there.
I reckon the best songs are the most honest. But at the same time, this year I've strove to get away from that. Because I always write about myself, it gets a little bit daunting. Almost as if the songs are getting to personal. And I find it hard to show them to people because they're like pieces of me, and I have this fear that if people reject them they're rejecting me. I guess its a constant battle of wearing your heart on your sleeve but trying to take it off. I want to write songs which move people. That inspire them, that make them hope, that bring them joy. That point them to something (and Someone!) a lot bigger than them. If through my words and my playing I can do that, then in my eyes that will be the peak of any musical endeavour.
I wrote this a while ago, rebelling against the formal structures of my essays and assignments and university work just to get back to a place where I belong. This, ultimately, is why I do what I do:

"I write to create. Create, not just echo something, whether it be a mood, a feeling, a series of events or a place. Through my writings I wish to communicate a small part of my story, a small part of my song and do so in a way that will take the reader, the listener elsewhere and make them think about their story and how it relates to mine. That they will join me in a world far from here, one a little bit warmer, perhaps more unlikely and mysterious. One that is both less real and in an indescribable way more real than the world we come from. That for a moment this work of writing will tie both author and reader to a similar storyline, both utterly enthralled in the world they are creating or consuming. That is why I write."

So that's where I am at the moment. Hopefully going to start writing some music soon for my band Preeti and the Gentlemen (check us out at https://www.facebook.com/PreetiAndTheGentlemen?ref=ts&fref=ts if you haven't already!), and start getting out there and playing gigs. But until then I'll keep doing my thing, keep writing, keep practicing and playing. Music is a journey, and in the end, you never know where it will take you.
I'm just so immensely grateful I'm on the journey. And I hope you'll join me....

Blessings,

Jordan

Keep my heart from breaking up...

1.30 am is a time when most people are asleep. Yet inspiration lives in the moment, and two days ago I knew I couldn't let it pass me by. Luckily the flat was pretty much deserted, but I knew my flatmate would be trying to sleep. Grabbing my acoustic and softly humming the tune to myself I tiptoed to the kitchen and began to play quietly. Within moments, I had the hook, chorus and an idea of the intro. The verses and outro would come later, scrawled out on a sheet of lined A4 to the light of my single lamp.

That night, I didn't sleep much, but I got one of my favourite songs ever. And I'm grateful I stayed awake, even if I still feel the effects days later. Worth it.

WANTING

You say I'm like the moon,
Maybe space was all I needed.
And I stay awake for hours,
Think of hearts and how they're bleeding

Over distance, long term blisters
These points of difference
That make you change your mind.
Drowned devotion, the distant ocean
A lack of motion
That make it hard to find

That all I ever wanted
Was sitting here right next to me
I was watching it leave like oceans
Drifting out to sea
And it won't take much of what little's left
For me to be all I wanted to be

I say you're like the sun
And maybe light was all I needed
I stay outside for hours
Think of you and how your breathing

Gets to me, in ways unseen
Kill me quietly
Or watch me change my mind.
While drowned devotion, the distant ocean
A lack of motion
All make it hard to find.

All I wanted, all I needed was love
That's enough, oh that's enough
To keep me satisfied, to rest my troubled eyes
Keep my heart from breaking up
Oh keep me up, I'm sinking keep me up
Love keep me up

(c) Copyright Jordan Gowan 2013
 All rights reserved to The Falling Movement music.


Hopefully you get to hear it soon, in one form or the other. This one's too good to not share I reckon. Leave a comment and let me know what you think, I'd be so stoked to hear from you!

Semester One: Finished. BAM!

Ok, so it's been no-post land at The Falling Movement lately (kind of like no-mans land but instead of the absence of people there's absence of quality blogging haha). Its been a crazy last couple of weeks here in the big city. I'd been trying to hammer out a whole pile of study, something I fail at doing at the best of times, while battling the effects of a minor cold brought on by the near-freezing temperatures of our flat.

The start of exam week was the worst. I spent a good portion of Sunday night last week almost having a mini breakdown about the upcoming week and all these things in life which had been just getting to me. I ended up going for a massive skate around Palmy which was good to let off steam but not entirely effective. Then I just sat on the street outside the flat for ages on my board just talking to God. Really talking. And it was pretty raw, but it was good to get it off my chest. I could've sat there out beside the trees with the glow of dim streetlights and nothing but the cold air to keep me awake for ages pretending I had time to sort things out. But then it started to rain, and I went inside.

Yet somehow I made it. I sure had to crank out a fair bit of work (especially for my back to back exams on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning!) and put everything else out of my mind, or at least to the side. But I got there in the end. And when I walked out of my final exam on Friday, which miraculously went better than I expected, I was feeling on top of the world.

<Cue Music>

It suddenly seemed all worth it.
Those four months of learning about five forces models, ideology, and value chains (don't ask). Of adjusting to a new environment and a place where once again I knew absolutely no one. Long days spent trying to figure out how to write again to much higher standards.

And four months spent constantly backtracking my decision.
If you hadn't got the memo yet, I've been having a hard time switching from studying music to studying journalism. Firstly there was the constant annoyance of having to explain to like a GAZILLION people that yes I was studying last year and no I didn't pull out and yes changing from music to journalism is a little bit different. Secondly was when my friend pulled out on Day 1 for much of the reasons I was secretly thinking about: this is different/hard/weird/not as cool as last year. Then on top of that was my incredible ability to doubt myself. I wondered if I'd even made the right decision. I quite like writing (as you can probably tell from my well-worded paragraphs) but I just wasn't sure if this was the right direction, where I wanted to be heading.

Basically studying journalism is nowhere near as FUN as music.

However last Friday after my final exam, I had this incredible feeling of achievement. That I'd tripped and stumbled my way through a semester of massive ups and downs, upheavals and disappointments, but somehow got there in the end. I was actually glad that I'd stuck to my guns and kept at it, despite the fact that reality never made it anywhere near my expectations. Its been a rough semester both personally and with study, but thanks to the incredible grace of God I made it. And for once I can sit here writing this with complete honesty and say I'm that I'm proud of myself.

Semester 1: Consider yourself beaten.